Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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