Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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