Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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