Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.

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