Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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