Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What did one tooth say to the other tooth?

The dentist is taking me out tonight.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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