Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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