Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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