Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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