Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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