Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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