Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Where do computers go to dance?

The disk-o!
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