Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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