Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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