Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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