Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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