Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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