Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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