Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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