Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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