Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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The new band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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