Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos

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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.

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