Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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