Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.
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