Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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