Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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