Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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