Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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