Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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