Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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