Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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