Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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