Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow

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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow

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