Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.

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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer

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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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