Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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