Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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