Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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