Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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