Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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