Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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