Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game?

Because he traveled a lot.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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