Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.
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