Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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