Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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