Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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