Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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