Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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