Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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