Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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