Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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