Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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