Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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