Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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