Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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I just watched a debate as to which cartoons were better- Disney or Warner Bros.

I have to say it got very animated.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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