Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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