Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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