Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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