Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them

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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.

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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.

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