Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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