Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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