Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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