Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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