Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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