Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What did Cinderella say to the photographer?

Some day my prints will come.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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