Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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