Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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