Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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