Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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