Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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