Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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