Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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