Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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