Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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