Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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