Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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