Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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