Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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