Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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