Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.

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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.

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