Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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