Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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