Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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Where are sharks from?

Finland.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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