Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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