Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?

Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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