Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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