Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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