Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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