Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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