Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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