Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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