Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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