Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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