Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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