Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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