Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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