Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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