Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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