Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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