Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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