Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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