Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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