Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?

Snowbody!
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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