Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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