Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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