Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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