Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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