Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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