Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butterfly.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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