Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink

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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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