Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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