Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.

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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends

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