Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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