Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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