Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France...

all that was left was de brie.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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