Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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