Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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