Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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