Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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