Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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