Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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