Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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