Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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