Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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