Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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