Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?

Make America Hate Again.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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