Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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