Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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Can you say Richard and Robert had a rabbit without using the "r" sound?

Sure, Dick and Bob had a bunny!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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