Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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