Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butterfly.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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