Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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