Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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