Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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