Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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