Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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