Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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