Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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