Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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