Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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