Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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I’ve never gone to a gun range before.

I decided to give it a shot!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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