Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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