Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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