Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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