Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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