Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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