Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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