Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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