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Why did the melon jump into the lake?
It wanted to be a watermelon.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that's just nuts
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?
A hoarse fly!
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A jury.
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Why did the spy stay in bed?
Because he was under cover.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?
Catillacs
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?
A porcupine with split ends
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
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