Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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