Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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