Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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