Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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