Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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