Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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