Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What is a snowman's favorite breakfast?

Frosted Flakes!
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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