Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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