Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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