Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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