Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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