Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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