Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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