Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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