Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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