Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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