Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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