Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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