Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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