Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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What clothes does a house wear?

Address.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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