Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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