Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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