Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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