Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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