Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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