Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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