Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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