Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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