Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!
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Which search engine is popular amongst mice?

Ask Cheese.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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