Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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