Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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PMS jokes are not funny...

[Period]
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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