Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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