Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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