Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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