Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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