Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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