Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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