Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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