Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What is a snowman's favorite breakfast?

Frosted Flakes!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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